Codependency vs. Interdependency

Codependent Interdependent
Compelled, driven, intense, compulsive, possessive. Compulsive need to keep partner so tied to the other that every thought, word, and action is guarded. Freedom of choice individuality, promoting growth. Partner acts in the other's best interest and gives them room and encouragement to grow and express their own individuality.
Enmeshed identities, feeling threatened by differences Suffocating closeness and attitude of "You have to be just like me." Separate identities, good self-esteem, values differences Self-esteem comes from within, not from the other person; partners value the differences of the other.
Attributes strength of relationship, the other person or control over the other person. I can't live with your mentality or dictator/servant roles. Attributes strength to two separate entities working together to achieve a mutual goal. Strength comes from within not through other person.
Intense ups and downs. Cycle of behavior from good to violent; assumes the roles of victim, victimizer, and rescuer at certain intervals of the cycle. Consistency and predictability. Maintains consistent attitude of respect; partner knows what to expect in any situation and can trust the others commitment.
Narrow support system one or both partners crowd out other relationships or isolate themselves or their partner from other people, including family. Broad support system. Both partners include outside activities to bring a healthy balance and growth to their relationship.
Stock-market syndrome or people pleasers. One partner reacts to the mood of the other. If he is having a bad day, you have a bad day. If he is happy you are happy. Stable self-esteem. You sympathize care for the other person, but you do not take on their hurt or problems as your own.
Refusal to deal with the past, denying and repeating problems. Repeats dysfunctional behavior of parents, but denies there are any problems. Open to periodic evaluation and opportunities for change. Evaluates the relationship and is open to healthy change and growth.
Need to control or be controlled: manipulative; self-centered. "I want what I want when I want it "or " you do exactly what I say or else" attitude; often very critical and verbally abusive. Mutual submission. Surrendering power for the other person's own good; relinquishing your rights and not keeping score
Dishonesty and refusal to admit wrong. Won't admit faults; demands all family members to keep quiet about life at home; rationalizes and lies to cover up bad behavior. Honest and characterized by integrity. Admits and makes amends for wrong behavior; motives are not self-centered; speaks directly and honestly; can be trusted.