Relationship Maintenance
By Gladys Smith, Counselor
M.Ed., M.Hs., NCC

With Valentine’s Day this month many of your sons and daughters are either getting into a relationship, are in a relationship, or are getting out of a relationship. Whatever the status, it is important to remember some key elements of the relationship process—whether it is a love-interest, friendship or acquaintance.

The following is written with your son or daughter as the focal point in the context of their relationships.

What are the first things that come to mind when someone mentions relationships? When we talk about relationships there are several factors to consider. Let’s start with defining what we consider a relationship: Boyfriend, girlfriend, family members, friends, classmates, and the list goes on.

To further analyze, begin to reflect on the kind of friends you have had. What are the qualities that were most important in that friendship?
Trusting your most private thoughts.
Fun.
Sharing the same values and beliefs.

The following three basic points will help guide a healthy relationship with anyone. It is important to remember that in all of our relationships we should always return to the basics:

1) Know what you want.
2) Use effective communication.
3) Work at resolving conflict.

It is important to know what you want because the type of person that you spend time with should be someone that has qualities that are important to you. The key word is important to YOU—not other friends, your family or others. The question is why is that person important to you?

The second most important factor is using effective communication skills. So many times the one thing that is needed for a successful relationship is to tell someone how you are feeling. I volunteered in a day care center and the one thing that I noticed was the reinforcement of telling others how you feel. I watched the children play and work with one another. One little girl told the teacher that she did not like what another young lady was doing to her. The teachers told the child to express herself loudly and clearly about her feelings. I watched as the two communicated with one another and they were able to listen to each other and most importantly speak with honesty.

The third basic point is to be able to resolve conflict. One of the major reasons many people come to Counseling is because of how relationships have ended or not ended. Not having the ability to resolve conflict often leads to the end of many relationships. Past relationship experiences, including the way they have been handled, unfortunately dictate how future relationships will result. Most times we forget that in any conflict, sometimes the key problem is the way we deal with the situation. Keeping this perspective in mind will help mend the conflict situation faster. It is easy to believe that someone else is responsible for our anger, but sometimes we need to look at ourselves, the first most important relationship to build.

Grant me the serenity
To accept the people I cannot change,
The courage
To change the one I can,
And the wisdom to know
It’s ME
-Author Unknown-

The last factor to review is learning the stages of relationships and recognizing the decision at each stage. The most important decision at any stage is to continue or end.
The first stage is Attraction- Wow- you are interested. The first decision is to contact or not. Next is Getting to know the person- hanging out more or less. As you get to know the person, conflicts can occur. The decision then is to continue or move on. The next stage is Working it out- listening and honestly communicating with the other person. The next stage is Deepening the relationship- Allowing yourself to be open and increase trust. Relationships continue or end at this point depending on the situation. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself and to remember the importance of this relationship to you. Relationships are often hard because we are forced to look at ourselves.

Gladys Smith
M.Ed., M.Hs., NCC