Parental Adjustment

By Sherry Christ, a mother of two college students As a parent, you hope through the years you have prepared your son or daughter for the time for them to leave home. Usually this event takes place when he or she leaves for college. This moment in time comes all too soon for most parents and in some cases can be a difficult transition. I am fortunate to be a mom of two young adults who have made this transition.

When my daughter, Jenn, was a senior in high school, we attended an open house at Webster University. During the tour, Jenn turned to me and announced, “This college was made for me.” Well, I felt such joy and relief. She finally found the place she was searching for during the last few months. The fact that Webster was fairly close to home was an added bonus.

That senior year quickly flew by. Before I was prepared to let Jenn go it was time to move her into Loretto Hall at Webster University. The day was one of the hottest on record that year. After hauling her possessions up the many flights of stairs and meeting her roommate (who, by the way, is a wonderful girl!), Jenn was ready to shove her dad, brother and me out the door. I wanted to cry, “ I’m not ready to let you go!” I did not think I had prepared her enough to be an adult, making adult decisions on her own. Yet, I knew in my heart it was time and Jenn was ready. I knew I had taught her strong principles, morals, and values to live by and it was time for her to use them and be her own person.

The first year was quite a learning experience for me. In the past, Jenn would usually ask me for advice, but I slowly understood this was no longer true. She needed me more as a sounding board so she could work through her problems on her own. The rules she had lived by at home no longer applied to her at school. She could set her own time as far as studying, eating and extracurricular activities and she did not need me to correct her on this time scheduling. I knew if I asked too many personal questions such as: “What did you do? Who was with you? How late were you out?” Jenn would shut me out. I learned to be patient. I learned to keep my opinion to myself unless it was asked.

As the first semester came to a close and Christmas break started, I began to see Jenn differently. She was now a mature adult with a strong character to take her through her own personal ups and downs. I now had a daughter who was also my “new best friend.” She and I had created a closer bond in which we could be equals. I no longer needed to give my opinion on everything. Instead I learned to let her vent her problems while I listened. Eventually I knew she would work her way through the situation and come out a stronger and wiser person. In return, she shared her activities with me and kept me informed about what was going on in her world.

Three years later, I now am experiencing these same emotions again. My son has started classes at a local junior college. He lives at home with his dad and I, but I learned through my experience with Jenn to let him have his freedom also, but within certain ground rules. I try not to constantly ask him too many personal questions, but instead wait and let him come to me. I do ask him how his day was and listen to all he has to say. I try not to be pushy and nosey about his personal life, but at the same time, he knows he needs to let me know if he will be home for meals or out with friends. I think in not prying into every detail of his life, I have gained his respect. I actually try to treat him as a boarder and he seems to like this arrangement. If you would ask him, I think he would agree our relationship has changed for the better.

I feel over the last few years, I learned some very important lessons. As much as you want to know every aspect of your daughter’s or son’s life, there comes a time to let them go. If they need your help, they will ask for it. Sometimes all they really want is someone who will listen to them and not judge them for what they have or have not done. Patience and understanding have become important traits to me. My son and daughter know I will always be here for them and that they can always come home to be recharged. Love them, but do not smother them. Stand back and watch them grow. You will be proud of them; I guarantee it.