So ... after 20 years of drinking, I end up being hog-tied and
hauled off to an AA meeting, where I m supposed to meet some guy
named Mike that doesn't even have a last name.
First of all, I still can't figure out why in the world my wife insists that I either "go to AA or go to Hell".
Some choice, well, since I don't have the intestinal fortitude to blow my brains out, I guess AA is gonna have to do (for now). For cryin out loud, a guy drinks a little here and there ... alright, so I get blistered once in a while, does that make me some kind of a degenerate??
Well, it s cold out, and I'm broke, the credit folks say NO to any more loans, the job isn't any more, and Mad Dog managed to get this restraining order, so, it looks like AA is gonna get another rookie. I know this much though, I ain't going down without a fight.
By the time I get done with the interview they'll let Mad Dog
know that she made a grievous error in her judgment, and this
'Guy Without A Name' will sign some sort of release paper, and
I'll be on my happy way.
Let s see now --- cleanest dirty shirt, a tie that doesn't show
the stains, dark blue pants (peestain resistant) and a mostly
uncrumpled jacket. Yep, lookin' good, I'll tell them I got home
from work late, and didn t get a chance to shave or shower.
Here we are at the address the AA lady on the phone give me.
Wait a minute !!! The sign says "Annex" for some funeral home !!
HMMmmmm, well maybe this is where they have the luncheons and
stuff like that, or maybe the funeral guy does catering on the
side. Well here goes. Oh, a little office here and I guess this
door goes to the banquet room.
WRONG !!!!
The annex is just a nice way of saying garage, storage, and supply room. For cryin' out loud look at this place - caskets stacked up, hearses parked, gurney's, flower baskets, American flags, cripes everything but a couple of bodies.
This AA stuff really sucks and I'm not even in the place yet. I give Mad Dog my mostest pathetic look, she gives me the "evil eye" back, this IS NOT gonna be a good time.
Once inside the garage, I see that things are even worse than I thought.
Besides all the funeral gear, the place is like a barn, cold and damp, they have some big mouth firing up a kerosene heater and everyone is gathered around it like a campfire, they're all stomping their feet and rubbing their hands together, all they have to do is pass the bottle around and everyone would be nice and cozy.
'Big Mouth' introduces himself, he must be the AA maintenance guy, he seems to be the guy that knows where everything is and how the stuff works. The meeting hasn't started yet and someone gets me a 1/2 cup of coffee. They give Mad Dog a full cup (another Evil Eye).
A woman asks Mad Dog if she has a drinking problem, Mad Dogs jerks a thumb my way. The woman checks me out, and says something like "Welcome, and you don't ever have to feel like this again".
How would she know how I feel??
So anyways where is the guy with no name so I can get this interview over with and get outta here?
I finally meet up with this guy Mike L., he is a neighbor of mine, and I just know that he is a drinker because he was at an oldies dance at the high school a couple of weeks ago. He doesn't do an interview and the meeting is ready to start, this must be some sneaky way of giving new guys a prep talk or something.
When do they pass the bottle around??
As I look around the morgue, I see the lady from the bank where I used to have my business accounts, before the business went belly-up. Well, now I know why the business went belly-up - alcoholics workin' at the bank!
Then, I spot Joe the mailman, I wonder what he's doing here?
Joe and I tipped a few here and there, and Joe was a bartender
on the side. I know he hasn't quit drinking - - - not Joe. I
wonder if he stops at the meeting before he goes drinking, or
he comes here after drinking, but before he
goes home?
I start to think AA might be something like a cooling off place to stop before going home. You know, a place where they teach you to keep your mouth shut, and how to avoid all those nasty flare-ups around the house. With a little luck maybe they'll teach me how to drink without getting drunk. (I never plan on getting drunk, it just happens).
Old Mad Dog sure would be surprised if they taught me how to drink like a gentleman. Heh heh.
The "morgue" is really getting a lot of people tonight.
All kinds of characters in here, but I'm the only one with a jacket
and tie.
(That ought to count for something!)
There is this huge guy (must be the bouncer) with an old Army jacket on talking to Big Mouth, and he's lookin' straight at me. Uh-oh, here comes the giant.
He puts out a hand the size of a bushel-basket and says "Welcome, we'll be meeting here again on Thursday night, are you gonna be here?" I respond, with a bit of apprehension, "Sure thing!" The last thing I need is this big galoot showing up at my house Thursday night looking for me. (I heard about that kind of stuff happening in AA). I wonder if he's the guy that's in charge of the bottle they pass around?? (he'd be my choice)
Someone is ringing a bell, PRAISE THA LORD!! they're gonna pass out drinks!!!!!
I don't want to act pushy so I'll just watch for where the line forms up, and be 2nd in line. I wonder if Mad Dog would mind if I got one for her (even though she don't drink) while I'm up there. Seems like a damn shame to let a drink go to waste. Well, with all them "evil eye's" lately, maybe I better pass on that idea for tonight.
Wait a minute! No line! They are all sitting down, and it looks like the meeting is going to start. I guess they have to see how many are here before they can divvy up the jug.
Someone hands me a paper and asks if I would mind reading "How It Works". "Sure, why not, I'll read it just as soon as I get home."
They say, "not when you get home, but when the chairperson asks you to". Oh! now I got it.
I look this "How it Works" thing over for a little while and figure out that this is going to be a walk in the park.
All you have to do are these 12 things, and you re done. I
guess they give out books or something to go along with these
steps. Must be something like one of them home study courses
on the backs of match book covers. 12 meetings and BINGO, I'll
be able to drink with the best of them. This
could only happen in America!
"Will the guy in the suit please read "How It Works?". Oh, that would be me.
I knew that they would notice I had a suit on. This thing was real easy to read to myself, but I seem to be a little shaky right now. Somehow, I manage to get through it, and know that I deserve a drink for that performance.
Where the Hell is that bottle!?!
Finally they get the show on the road. They have this woman talking about how much of a drunk she used to be and all that crap. I think she must be an out of work actress they hired to get the crowd fired up. It's no wonder she drank, she had almost as much trouble in her life as I have in mine. Then she starts going on about how wonderful it is now that she found AA and all the wonderful people in AA.
I think to myself, sure, this is great for all of them. This is kind of like the great American spirit or Horatio Alger or something like that. I guess that's why they have an American flag over there in the corner. I'll focus on that and keep myself from shaking to death till they pass the bottle around. (I know that by now I'm not the only one needing a drink)
All of the sudden everyone is clapping their hands and the chairperson announces "A BREAK!" About time they got down to business. Where is the line forming? Like before, I'll be polite and be 2nd in line.
Wrong again! Just coffee.
Everyone is kind of just milling around and seeming to be real
sociable. I want to be part of this easy going atmosphere, and
have a little fun too. But it seems like I just don't have any
positive or fun feelings left in me.
Nothing is funny any more, nothing is sad either.
I remember when things used to be funny or sad, I even remember
when I cared about other people and I even remember crying about
things. But that was a long time ago, and right now I have more
important things to worry about than emotions or people. Who
needs them?
It looks like the meeting is going to get under way again. If Mad Dog wasn't here I'd be out of here like a bolt of lightning and grab a drink. But, she is here and so it looks like I have to tough it out.
The speaker / actress asks "Does anyone feel like a drink?"
My heart is racing and I have to sit on my hands to keep my arm from shooting up like a rocket. I just might forget my manners and be first in that line. There must be a God, because this old guy up front named George puts his hand up and says he feels like a drink.
Now, I don t know this guy from Adam, but right now he is my best friend. I'm gonna keep an eye on him, and if he moves I'm gonna be like a shadow, he isn't getting out of my sight. He starts rambling on about a bunch of crap in his life, and I know why he needs a drink.
For crying out loud, will someone give this guy a drink before I pass the hell out. Then he ends his long sad story with "I feel like a drink, but, I'll pass for now!"
I'm devastated, I need a drink and can't get one. I'd leave but Mad Dog has an itchy trigger finger on that restraining order.
I know for sure that I got a lot of questions about this AA stuff. How much do these sponsors get paid? Who is the president of this outfit? I know this is some kind of a Pyramid scheme with this sponsor stuff, it must be.
If that guy is dual addicted, where does that put me? I like all three: beer, wine and whiskey.
They say no dues or fees, but they pass the basket, that must be how the sponsors get paid. When can I get started on this correspondence course and get this stuff out of the road? They sure are big on God around here, the last thing I want is to be turning into some kind of Jesus freak.
Well like I said before, it's nice to see these people taking care of one another, I still think that's why they have that flag over there, to remind them that it's the American way, to help one another out.
Finally, it looks like the meeting is coming to an end. The Chair person announces that they'll close the meeting with "The Pledge of Allegiance".
I never held hands to say the "Pledge of Allegiance", but if that's what they do, then let's get on with it. I want to get some of these pressing questions answered. I guess they must do the long version of the "Pledge of Allegiance", because I got finished way before they did. Well, maybe that's part of them steps they all talk about, and it'll probably be in the "home study" package.
After the hand-holdin' "Pledge" everything sort of goes nuts.
Everyone is coming up to me and telling me to keep coming back, and letting me know that it gets better and a whole bunch of other "homey" drivel.
Of course I'm coming back, that big guy will come and get me if I don t.
It gotta get better, it can t be worse than wanting to know if a guy wants a drink, and then not giving him one. And besides I don't think that actress was all that great.
The old guy from up front that sissied out on the drink earlier wanders over and introduces himself. George is his name. Old George seems like a nice enough kind of guy and starts to make some small talk. He wants to know if there is anything he can do for me, or any questions I have for him. He must be one of them sponsors trying to get first dibs on me.
I tell him I m just curious as to when it's all right to drink again. He gets a very profound look on his face, and explains to me that: the main office of AA will send me a registered letter outlining all the details of when it s all right to start drinking again.
He wished me a nice evening and handed me a schedule of all the meetings in the area. Wait till Mad Dog sees that letter!
All I have to do now, is go to the meeting Thursday, so that
big guy don't get any ideas about hunting me up. I ll pick up
the home study stuff then too!