WebBook of HHGH

This is a section of stories from individuals in and around recovery from alcoholism. Some of these stories are about the person recovering from the addiction, while others may be about a person recovering from having lived with the active addiction of another person in their lives. They are not third person stories written about recovery - they are the stories as they were lived by the person relating those experiences.

Since the stories are here in HHGH, they also contain some history about the group, how and when they found this online forum, and their feelings for this "HHGHroup" as part of their recovery process.

Dan D's story (in 25 words or more)
First drink: fifth grade
Last drink (with God's grace) July 16, 1991.
In those 50-years, four kids, same wife, eight jobs, also lost my soul, morals, initiative, ideals, conscience and self-worth.
Today: daily meetings (plus HHGH), two sponsees, active in program (activity a great cure for indifference).
Stomach, blood pressure, liver now back to ok (it was close).
HHGH is a great boost to my program. Lots of great sharing, caring, good humor, networking.
Been with HHGH since the summer of '92 when (on a whim) I tried the Hobby BBS on Prodigy (was looking for model airplane stuff).
Since I was also a newbie in A/A, the sharing, prodding and inspiration on the board really helped me get a good start. I still have stuff posted by Samm, Zeke, DaBoss, and others.
Been at all HHGH/Founders Days (closet full of shirts, nametags, ribbons), also first met HHGH people in Aakron (about three years ago) at "FastFoodSaturday" when we also went to Dr. Bob's.
That's more than 25 words, so...time for the hook. LOL.
OLDDAN in Aurora

BTW: here's a Prodigy note [Dan] saved from a few years ago by Cathy H... about the history of HHGH. Thought it might have a spot in the archives of this homepage.
------------------------------------
History of HHGH
To:ALL Date: 09/21
From: CATHY H... Time: 11:17 PM

Hi everyone... we seem to have so many new names up in lights... I can't afford ($$$) to say "Hi" to each one on an individual basis.. so I thought I might do my little "HHGH Defined" speech here so everyone can see it...
Hobby Home Group began in March of 1992 on the Homelife BB under the Parenting Subject, with a topic of "12 Step Moms" (daBoss can give you the exact date). We met there for quite a while, and we seemed to be drawing some dads, too. We kind of migrated over to the Hobby Board, as our topic seemed to "not fit" the parenting board very well...
Being creatures of habit (bad ones??), some of us balked at the dreaded word CHANGE... but somehow we managed to survive the move. One day, we woke up, turned on our respective 'puters and found that *p offered a brand new place for us to meet called the Support Boards, and our own subject of Alcohol Abuse... some of our "weller" members jumped right on over, opened the doors, turned on the lights, put out ashtrays, made coffee... they put out a sign reading "Hobby Home Group Here" so all us more timid folfs would know where to find our friends. Now we're here on the Medical Support Board, cause that's where *p sent us...
HHG is a 24 hour (*p operating schedule?) / we never close / male / female / smoking / non-smoking / handicap accessible / open / discussion / step / Big Book / thought for the day / AA / Alanon / CODA / ACOA / NA "meeting". I use the term meeting loosely... perhaps gathering. We don't engage in any controversy, neither endorse nor oppose any cause. We celebrate natal birthdays, recovery birthdays/anniversaries, weddings, births, graduations, major and minor holidays, vacations and any other ocassions calling for laughter, hugs, smiles, and cakes. We have laughed, cried, prayed, and rejoiced together. We have mourned each other's losses, and regaled in each other's successes. We share our fears, hopes, dreams, anger, loneliness,depression.
We write about the beauty of the world around us, and about the pain of the life around us. We share our poetry, songs, jokes and groans. We form prayer circles when the need arises... our circle stretches from California to New York, and includes WA, AZ, TX, MO, MI, OH, PA, FL, MA, VA, CT, MD and other points in between! At least 38 of us joined together IN THE SKIN at Founders' Day in Akron, OH in June of '93. More Skin meetings are planned. All are welcome... just check in with our secretary, Linda... get JoAnne's permission 'fore you make any decision, 'cause she's daBoss... and watch out for the bear huggers.
Hope this explains a little of the history of our group!
In the inspirational words of Donnie M. (not auntie m.) I BELONG !!!!!!

Chris G's story

From: Chris G PRODIGY:

Subject: Home Page

OK, I think you wanted my [fellowship] birthday which is 06/04/87. My BB birthday is 05/10/55. I found the group when it was only 2 or 3 months old. Bored one day I was checking out the Hobbies Board on Prodigy. I was reading along listening to the latest in radio controls when this big deep voice popped up and said "SO WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM"!!!! I began listening to this group, (LURKING), and found it was an A.A. Home Group. I then E-mailed a couple of the members and asked to join in. I have been here ever since. My Wife and I went to the first face to face in AAkron OH. The membership here is the best, You truly feel that "You Belong".

This is my Family of Choice.
Love and Hugs,
Chris

Sue B's story

Well, let's see..... my Sobriety Date is July 2, 1985 (first day without a drink ODAT) I'm from Boca Raton Florida for the past 20 years. Before what I grew up in a town downriver from Detroit, MI I was a lurker on the first note posted on 12 Step Moms, on the Parenting Board, that eventually led to the Hobbies Board that eventually led to the Hobby Home Group Here Subject on the Medical Support Board. I didn't start posting pubicly until, ohhhh let's say 1993/4 or around there. But I did correspond with Kim, e-mail before that (I wasn't ready to break my anonymity at the public level yet.
Anything else you want to know???
This is fun!!!
Ruby Sandy Boca Blondie Suebey Sue

John H's story

From: John.............Internet:

Subject: HHGH

I joined Prodigy in December '90. Back then, there were only a few bulletin boards, and anything "off topic" was forbidden, including. Prodigy told everyone that they should take their idle chit-chat to private e-mail, so many "underground" mailing lists sprung up, which became so popular (Because of Prodigy's censorship) that they overwhelmed Prodigy's resources. So, a month after I came online, Prodigy started charging 25 cents per letter, and for each CC:. This pretty much killed the mailing lists. I was too late to get involved with these, but I found out about them on another service where many of the mailing lists migrated to.

We tried many times to start discussion about recovery on Prodigy, by trying to post anywhere we could get away with, before they noticed us. For instance, we posted on the Genealogy BB about one William Griffith Wilson of Vermont. Since they had a place to discuss literature, I tried to be "on topic" by posting about the Big Book. It would have fit right between the Bible and the Big Book of Hell, yet while these were acceptable, the Big Book of AA was not. Eventually, we did get some discussion going there, based upon 12 Step literature.

At the same time, some people started posting about recovery on the Hobby BB, of all places. (Or was it just a topic back then?) Prodigy finally capitulated and agreed to let people post on recovery there. Other people looking for support were also pressuring Prodigy, until they finally gave us our own Support Group BB. And of course, the 12-Steppers on Hobby migrated over and set up shop there!

When I was travelling in Detroit three years ago, where I got sober, I sat down next to a fellow at a meeting, who then started talking about Prodigy! It turned out that he was a member of the Hobby Home Group, and we both recognized each other, by name if not by face. He told me that he was going to Founders' Day, as did many other HHG members, but I have yet to make it. I was planning to go in 1991, but moved to California a week before, instead! I still stop by every once in a while.

John H.
San Mateo, California, USA

Dave & Stephanie F's story

Dave in CT and his good wife Stephanie came across HHGH in the days when the board was part of the Hobby board. So I guess that makes us charter members??

OK, we went through the painful process of the transition to a separate board and through some of the battles concerning whether a public BB necessarily breaks one's anonymity, and therefore a cherished AA tradition. We all survived that, and shared a lot over the next few years--joy, grief, frustration, all of that good stuff--and miraculously became a family.

So dedicated are we to ane another that we go to all lengths to meet in person, and I regret that Steph and I have not been able to share the annual AAkron experience. But we did have a good contingent visit Chaos Manor, our home by the sea, in June '93, and occasionally meet others as they pass through the area.

One memorable Sunday morning we had a call from Zeke the Greek (titular chairman of the board), who was in a New London hotel with a girl friend and a dead battery in his Lincoln. After many posts and innumerable phone conversations we got to meet this magnificent guy (and got his car started, too).

On a couple of our rare excursions to the DC area we met even more HHGH folk at Poverty John's in VA. Shirley, it happens, was a member of our home group in Arlington, and it was great to reconnect with her and get to know John.

Walrus Jeff lives an hour a way, but evidently you can't get here from there (or so it would seem...heh heh heh). We love you all and home to meet you on the Web, *P, or in the skin real soon.

Peace & Love,
Dave

A Note: Dave has gone on to the big meeting in the sky.

Jim C's story
Hello All:

My name is Jim C. aka Critter- or- Critter Gitter-or- just plain ole CG. All are fine with me because all are better than anything anyone called me while I was drinking. My last drink was in May of 1984. With God's grace and the support of AA members like HHGHers it will be my last alcoholic drink forever. My journey to recovery is pretty much like everyone else's, I drank,
I got drunk, my life became unmanageable, I ended up in recovery. My recovery has been a miracle, and I can only say that after being sober for a few years. It is hard to recognize progress a day at a time in ourselves. By taking a look backward I can see progress in my life and the
quality therein. My gratitude to AA will never cease. Welp, you just keep on hanging on and I promise you it will keep getting better. What we alkies loose sight of sometimes is that we start comparing ourselves to others. We can only use our own life to compare the before and
afters. I have to look back now and then and remember where I was when I first got dragged into AA. Sometimes I think Geez, here I am 50 years old and haven't accomplished much
in my life. Then,,, I thnk about where I was when I was 38.

Then, I was unemployable, on the verge of financial bankruptcy, had a restraining order on me, was in the process of being divorced, a physical wreck, yellow skin, hygiene habits were nil, and I just didn't care what happened. I didn't care if I lived or died, I didn't care if my family abandoned me or not, I didn't care if I ate or not, I didn't care what happened to me or anyone or anything. The world could have blown up and I didn't care.

Today all those things are different. I'm still financially unstable, but I know where the money goes and it is all accounted for, I care about my family, and I care about others.That didn't happen overnight, only a little bit at a time. Some of the changes were so subtle that others had to
point them out to me, so I hope you hang on long enough to see the differences that do make a difference.

NOW about how I ended up being a part of HHGH. Welp, it just kind of happened. I was new to Prodigy and was fumbling around the Bulletin boards and Bingo. There they were, I sort of lurked for a little while, then asked if I could join up. I was given the questionnaire::: which sock goes on first-favorite ice cream-color lint in belly button-and control measures taken when krimpets go into a mating frenzy. I guess I answered the questions ok because I'm still here about 2 years later.

I have had the ultimate pleasure and honor of meeting several of these wonderful people "in the skin" at AAkron OH. This group, is truly part of my extended fambly (family). I am eternally
grateful for having the pleasure of being able to say "I Belong" to the HHGH fambly.

Tom T's story
Hi, HHGHers.

Drinking was my idea. Not drinking was not my idea. June of 1957 found me on the banks of the Rio Grande doing my share to float a keg. What followed was a 26-year romance with booze.
Then a Power greater than me decided it was time to do something about my drinking problem. He did this through my 3 sons who were the voices I heard at my intervention on March 20, 1983. I entered treatment the next day. Treatment dictated that I go to A.A. In A.A. I found the God I am learning to understand a day at a time. It was this God that intervened.
That is the kind of roundabout path this alkie followed to find recovery. The path in recovery is marked with 12 steps. I follow it every day. As the days added together I began my travels from Texas to Florida to Texas to Florida to Louisiana.
I got my first PC in May 1983 when I was two months sober. My second PC was acquired in Feb. 1990. In the Spring of 1994 I finally began to browse through Prodigy. It didn't take long to find the Alcohol Abuse Board. I began beta testing BBNM. That gave me unlimited access to the boards.
I jumped in and invited myself to Hobby Home Group Here only to find out I belonged if I said I did. It was that simple. There was nothing complicated.
Today my top priority is sobriety. Sharing ES&H, life, and laughs with
HHGHers is one of the pleasures of sobriety that turns right around and
helps my recovery. You can't beat that!
Have a good day! Tom T.

Jeff D.'s story

My BBBDay is 11/23/42, my AABDay is 8/15/80.
I joined Prodigy in the Fall of 1992 and was just about to cancel when a young lady from *P called to ask how I liked the service. I told her I was going to leave because I couldn't find any alcoholics. She assured me that they were hiding on (of all places) the Support Board.
So I began to lurk. One day I saw a note from Samm to BHOF about the upcomng trip to Akron. Man, I wanted that so bad I gave up lurkerdom forever and begged to be a member of HHGH and to also tag along to Akron. That changed my life forever.
I have made lifetime quality friends all over the USA and have met most of them in the skin too. I think "The Traveling Bandito" is the only HHGH to meet more "folfs" than Dale and I have. Luckily we live in New England, and for some reason I can't fathom people from other corners of the USA want to visit New England. We are always glad to see them so it works out for all of us.
I agree with Dave F., I wish I could get my act together to drive the 40 miles down to Chaos Manor more often. Maybe if I had a nice new Caddy like Mrs. & Mr. BHOF...

Love and Walrus Hugs, Jeff

Subject: Donnie M. in N.J. Not Auntie M. in Kansas

This is how I sign most of my posts because now I love to laugh. One of 15 children, father took off on us when I was 16 yrs. Started drinking (getting drunk) around the same time. Married twice. Many years in jails, many weekends also. Working on my 7th yr being sober (ODAT) Wife and children kiss me again, wife doesn't even sniff kiss me anymore. I met HHGH 4 yrs ago - met many members in skin since. No knot in my gut any longer when I think of all my family here. I remember the first person I met on the board I read this guy's post and he wrote just like me, My reply to him was "...you write just like me !" (Our Unka Pitbill).
The memories I have from these people are unbelievable. I never had friends like this in my whole life. imagine some big ol' guy just getting in his car and driving to our home from Michigan 'cause he heard I was having a get together. (Zeke)
Nobody can understand the love in my heart, I can't mention all by name, so I'll just say again ~ I LOVE YOU ALL. This is really great to talk about sobriety instead of my drunk-a-log I am a person again! Thanks to GOD, Alcoholics Anonymous, and my family of choice, HHGH. This is LOVE!

Oh yeah, one more thing: To one of my sponsors (and he doesn't even know it) Thanks for helping to keep me sober. I love you, QM
"WE BELONG"
Donnie M. in N.J.
Not Auntie M. in Kansas

Bill B.'s story

In my youth, I wanted desperately to be "one of the guys" - to be included, although I often felt like I was "different" than others around me - somewhat due to my family being lower on the economical scale, and not having my father. He died when I was 5, and he was only forty-five. For years I never knew what caused his death at so young an age. In sobriety, I have finally figured out that my father may have died from cirrhosis, but it was 'respectable-ized' to 'heart failure' (according to the custom of the day).
Even though most of my young years were quite active with Scouting programs, (I am an Eagle Scout) I later wound up getting in with a bunch of guys who smoked, drank, and "had some fun" with illicit drugs, and thought it was a normal thing to do. So I romanticized the idea of being suave, debonair and "cocktail hour" cool!
I drank "socially" for years, but needed more and more to 'catch a buzz', and then occasionally experimented with trying other types of drugs as well. By my mid-thirties, I was divorced, a party animal, and absolutely certain I was insane. Although I was one of the most highly regarded in my field of computers - making big money compared to my youth, I used lots of booze to try to "fit in" and BE somebody. It never worked, but it "worked on" me, all right!!!
By forty five I was so out of control, that either it was the grave, the institution (penitentiary or asylum), or getting away from the alcohol and drugs. Thank God, an enlightened employer helped (actually "forced") me to get sober, and get off of the prescription drugs I was on at the time. I thought I was in a living hell while I went through that, many times wanted to simply die to get away from the exruciating and recurrent pain, particularly of my emotions.
I was bankrupt in every area of my life ~ physically, mentally, financially, emotionally and spiritually! The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous members, and the life-saving 12 step program brought me back to life! {I do not fear Hell anymore, because I've already BEEN there!) I have been sober and clean now since August 2, 1983, and my life is so different that its hard to believe I am the same person at all. Thank God for loving neighbors, friends, and family who helped me along the way, and a strong and caring sponsor who helped me all the way.

I have problems in my life today, but nothing God and I can't handle together, so I try my best to not let the problems worry me. I no longer make the big bucks, because the damage to my health from all of those wasted years took its devastating toll with me. My life is not anything like the fairy book dreams I had when I thought booze and drugs were really "recreational", and today I try to live life on life's terms, and LOVE it! This is my recounting of what alcohol and other drugs did to me, and what it can do to others in a life that needs any kind of drug to "run from reality" - because that's all I do when I drink and do drugs.
This HHGH group was "founded" by a small group of intrepid recovering people who had "met" each other on Prodigy, but kept getting chased from one area to another, finally "found" themselves (again) in the Hobby Bulletin Board, and simply started a subject called Home Group to
let each other know where they all were THIS time. When *P* finally started a Medical Support bulletin board, with a 'legitimate' topic of Alcohol Abuse, one of the first who made it over here put up the subject as "Hobby Home Grp Here!" to alert the others where they were when they arrived at the new area. That was a number of years ago, when I found them, and it and I have been here ever since.

To most of us here (the originals and some later arrivals, like me) it has become much more than simply a subject name on a bulletin board. In the fall of 1992, some of the original group members were going to be alone for a weekend, and said wouldn't it be nice to actually get together right after Thanksgiving - so they did - in the Akron, Ohio area, at a chain type restaurant!

Ever since, we as a group have been getting together "in the skin" (live) for the annual AA Founders' Day, and other somewhat spontaneous regionally located gatherings, at places with names like Poverty Flats, Chaos Manor, Serenity Heights, da Bo2S's's Place, and Critter Creek, etc. Many of us refer to each other and the group (HHGH) as a whole, as family-of-choice, for that has been what it has become for so many of us.
We are a fun-loving, wise-cracking, deeply loving family, who would (and have) gone to great lengths to be with each other for wonderful FAMILY occasions. We sometimes form prayer circles, or chains, on the bulletin board when one of us needs the concentration of loving prayers, we rejoice with each other, we lay our sad or grieving heads in each others' laps or shoulders, and we talk of recovery and all of its ramifications for each of us. AND, woe is me, tch and tsk, we often participate in the ... imputation of idiosyncratically induced hypocorostic appellation ... in regard to one another in HHGH!! ... -=- ... Mine is Unka PitBill!

I wish you health, happiness and peace of mind, and will keep you in my prayers - if you get a chance, please include me in some of yours,
HHGHugs to you and yours,

LOve, Unka

Mick R.'s story

Hi!
I'll never forget my very FIRST drink. I was 5 years old and it was Christmas Eve. My parents and Grandparents left the dining room table and I grabbed a fancy glass that had Drambuie in it. THAT was IT!!! From that point on, all I wanted to be was 21 years old...that way, I could Drink how EVER much I wanted!
My parents split up when I was 13. I kinda played 'head of the house' for a little while. This is when I officially started to drink. By 15, I was
off to the races.
I had been 'chasing' that 'buzz' that I got from my first drink for approx. 20 years. I found that I could never get that feeling to stick around long enough...so I drank & drank & drank. I did my BEST to make sure NOBODY else would ever know how much I drank. I didn't like people who gotdrunk & sloppy....SO....If I started to slur, I would just shut my mouth or say 'I'm tired' and go lay down. (man, did I take a LOT of naps!!!<VBG>)
The last couple years of my drinking were bad. I was in such pain that I just KNEW that something bad, somewhere, somehow was going to happen to me
if I didn't stop. My HP played a nice role here!
In Oct. of '89 I went away to a rehab.
By Oct. 21 '90....I had my last drink.

I signed on to Prodigy 12-25-92. After 2 free months I thought about giving it up. On the last few days of my free trial I discovered the Support Groups. I found BHD & HHGH. My life has been changed forever since then!!!
I've never felt SO 'connected' in my entire life. The folks here think like I do (well, SOME of them!<g>). They love to have FUN like I do. They
love to help each other in good times or bad. I finally found what I've been looking for for so many years: People like me, a Great HP, happiness & love to last me 2 lifetimes!
I've had the opportunity of meeting most of HHGH in Akron. I've been going there since June '93. Donnie was the first person that I met from here. We drove out to Founders Day together and got to know each other real well.
He loves to have fun (sometimes TOO Much! <hehe>) but he also has a very serious side to him as well.
He's made a big difference in MY life!
I Thank all of you & my HP for making sobriety feel NORMAL!!!
Love & BIG Hugs,
Mick

Mary McC.'s story

Hi my name is Mary and I'm an alcoholic and addict.
I'm one of those folfs that found AA through the back door of AlAnon and with a lot of help of my HHGH buddies.
See I signed on to *P and looked for the alcohol abuse board 'cause I was an AlAnon 'oldtimer' looking for some interesting discussion. I found the most interesting subjects on the board, the most accepting people, in this here Hobby Home Group Here! subject. I lurked for a while and then posted a few, asking if they'd let an AlAnon hang around. After a few jokes about them AlAnoid terrorists I was welcomed with open arms. The gentle love and support on this board helped me come to terms with my own substance abuse (first the food, then the alcohol and prescription drugs.) I had the opportunity to meet many of my friends at the very first HHGH Founders Day gathering. I was less than 1 month sober, and still not sure I qualified. They loved me back to health. I haven't been around much, 'cause I got sober and got busy. But never too busy for old friends. Thanks to HHGH, AA, and HP I celebrate my 3rd birthday on 5/15/96.
Mary

Doris F.'s story</font><br><br>

In 1987 when my husband passed away, I was bored and lonely but sober. (That's another story). My daughter Margaret and her husband Dan, were playing around with computers at home, so, seeing as I had used one at work, I thought I would buy one. They had just to see if I would like it. My son-in-law gave me Prodigy and installed it for me. One of my grandsons installed an old modem and I was off and down the road of Prodigy. I wandered aound not knowing what to look for, and was happy to wander into Hobby Home Group here. Seeing I was into craft and hobby work I decided to see what they did. I was so suprised when I found it was a bulletin board with recovering alcholics sharing their stories, and joking about doing this and that together.

One thing, I like to get in the middle of things, so I just jumped in not knowing who was who - and my life and mind was healed once again, as I found wonderful pen pals and friends there. I finally wanted to know what this weekend that everyone was talking about is and was all about. When I asked, it had been a wonderful weekend spent among strangers, (but not for long) as we all at one time or other have the same problem and that was drinking. I had a great guy take me under his wing online, and "adopt" me as his sister, and sent me information of this and that.

Then there was a gal by the name of "da boss", and she told what I had to do, and who was who, and pretty soon I had found one big loving family. I was real sorry when I had to move two years ago, and Prodigy had no direct lines where I moved. And being retired, the phone bills were just too high to keep using long distance calls to log on. But I do keep in touch through E-mail with some of the members, and again this year will be taking my third trip to join my family on Saturday afternoon of the Founders' Day Weekend conference in Akron, under that big old oak tree at 1pm.

I am looking so forward to see those who come, and praying for those who could not come this year. May God bless and keep all my family of HHGH's. They really helped me save my sanity when I found them that cold winter night, when a drink would have tasted so good - instead I turned on the computer and found life! After all, no matter where you are or who you are ...

AA birthday 4/26/81<br>
Navel 8/7/?? A lady never tells her age. :}

Hugs, Doris
from Paso Robles, California

Linda M.'s story

To: hhgh mailbox
Subject: The Adventures of Linda M.
The Adventures of Linda M. (a recovering alcoholic who lived to tell about it) I've told my story many times, but never quite this way. Two reasons for this;
one, I've changed since I told it last and the other is I'm telling it to some very special people ... my brothers and sisters from Hobby Home Group ... what a
great name!

Hi! I'm Linda, and I'm an alcoholic. There was a time I thought I'd never be able to say those words, but not long after that I was grateful to be able. I was planning to die, an alcoholic, with no hope and no desire to continue living drunk OR sober. I know, now, that God intervened and walked with me through the tough part. The early summer of 1989 was bad. I had begun the final steps to the bottom. I remember thinking, "What's going to happen to me?
Am I going to wind up in the gutter? Am I going to get sick and die? Am I going to hurt someone?" I knew I was doing downhill fast and I didn't want to
do anything about it. My husband would scold me, saying " I'd love to see your liver. You should see yourself. I don't know how you can go on drinking like this." He was right. My liver was the first to let me know things were getting serious. I already had external signs of deterioration. My nerves were
shot. I had to drink to function. It took a long time to get to this point, but I had arrived at the day of reckoning. I either had to change or plan on a day coming soon when I would suffer the consequences of my many years of drinking. I had been functional all along and thought I could handle it, but
the feeling of control was leaving and with it, my health and sanity.

First, I'll tell you, I believe I was alcoholic before the first drink. We've all heard these words from other alcoholics, but many of us who experienced every telltale symptom the first time we drank find it quite ironic, when we come to our senses many years later, to find we didn't have to do all that drinking to prove it ... we could have diagnosed it the first night out, had we chosen to do so. Anyway, I drank, progressively alcoholically from the age of 20
to the age of 43, when I couldn't go any further.

I watched this disease eat away at me. First there were little accidents ... broke my front teeth, busted my lip, cracked my skull, broke my foot ... THEN, lost my dignity, grew to detest myself. Liver spots on my hands, broken veins in my cheeks; I couldn't and wouldn't even look in a mirror. It hurt in a painless sort of way ... my feelings were gone. I stopped feeling, I don't know when, just stopped. Didn't love, didn't hate, no joy, no pain ... nothing! I didn't care if I lived or died and planned to die young, before the disease really took its toll. Well, I was on the way that summer ... my liver was in trauma and it was SO very painful! What happened next changed my life FOREVER!

After two weeks of increasing pain and very little sleep, I decided to see a doctor. He was no ordinary doctor ... he was an ALCOHOLIC doctor. He didn't
tell me that, of course; he just zeroed right in on my problem and let me know he believed I was alcoholic. I was so tired and sick and hurting that when he
suggested to try a rehab he recommended AND since he refused to treat my pain, I thought that sounded quite reasonable. Here's where I begin acting out of
character and fully believe God helped me through. I hadn't, up to that point, ever given thought to the possibility of recovery; next, my health insurer refused to pay for rehab because I wasn't in a life threatening situation. I got busy making phone calls to my company's EAP, the health insurer folfs, and the hospital, told them my dilemma and got them working together on a plan to get me some coverage and treatment. They set up a special plan for me to go inpatient for a week (to dry out) and then 12 weeks of outpatient therapy and group work. They said they wanted to try it and see if it worked. Well, it did and it didn't. It was very difficult to switch back and forth daily from work to therapy, as evidenced by my record aftercare stay of 18 months.

Yes, I went to aftercare for a year and a half! That was because it took me so long to listen. After about 14 months, my group tried to throw me out. They
said they didn't understand why I kept coming and never changing and didn't think there was anything more they could do for me. I was DEVASTATED! The only friends I had in the whole world were throwing me to the wolves! They decided to let me stay, but made me promise I would go to A.A. meetings every day. I promised, but I didn't think I could do it. I was so uneasy at meetings, frightened and edgy. I had nothing to say. I couldn't even put a simple
sentence together, such as, "I pass."

Here's the good part. Alone and hopeless, I didn't know where to turn. I was an atheist. I'd already been to a family counselor, the hospital counselors
and friends ... they didn't understand ... AT ALL! I realized that night I was REALLY alone. I decided if God exists, it doesn't matter what I think. If
He's really there and I pray to Him, maybe He'll help me. SO! I did what I'd heard about at many meetings ... got down on my knees and asked for His help.
Then I began testing the waters, going to meetings and praying. Within a couple of days, I met my first sponsor. I didn't know it then, but I DID know
she was a wonderful lady who made the whole room feel warm and I felt like I could "belong" there. I kept praying and going to meetings and within a very
short time God began revealing Himself to me in so many ways I was awe struck!

Shortly after my true recovery began, I found the folfs of Hobby Home Group an started talking and sharing with them. Day after day of talking with Mama Meg, Zeke, John, Jo, Cathy, Kimmie, Bob C. and so many HHGHers helped me believe I was a real person with real value and thoughts worth sharing. The more I shared, the more I was able to talk at live or "skin" meetings as Zonie called them. This is where I learned to share failure as well as success ... the
examples of the program, well lived, are here every day. I'm blessed and grateful to be a part of this wonderful group.

Marylyn S.'s story

I have been putting this off for a long time because I don't know if I can put all my gratitude into words! <br><br> Well, here goes.........
I started drinking in high school. Nothing serious, my father was very strict and he wouldn't let me out of the house very often. When I did get out I tried drinking. Every time I did, I ended up in a blackout and my friends would tell me about the things I had done. I never believed them until I came to this program. Now I believe every word of it! My home life was miserable to me. My parents fought a lot and I wanted them to get a divorce. I ran away a month after I graduated from high school and got married. You know the story, I was going to live happily ever after. Well, I got pregnant right away and had my son when I was 19. My ex-husband came from a very large family and they were ALL drinkers. He started going out every night after the baby was born. I didn't drink much then, just when I would get mad at him and wanted to tell him off. See, the booze gave me courage and turned me into someone completely different.

Anyway our marriage was awful and I was to afraid to get a divorce because I was afraid of what my family would think of me. But after five years of pure hell with him and ME, I told him I wanted a divorce, after all I had cousins who were divorced and nobody disowned them! Right after my ex moved out my father ran off with another woman and then my parents got divorced. So this gave me more of a reason to drink!

Now this is where my drinking begins. I started hanging around my ex-husbands sisters. They really showed me how to party! We were out every night and I would leave my five year old son with their not much older kids. We would party till the bars closed and then start all over as soon as their kids went to school. We would take my son to the bar with us at noon and wait till their kids got home to baby-sit. <br><br> After a while I met a guy and started dating him. He didn't like kids much and he thought my son got in the way, so I would leave him with my mom as much as I could. I'm not proud of that today. Anyway time went on and I ended my relationship with that guy after five years. It was an abusive relationship, mental and physical. My drinking slowed down some after that. I drank mostly on the weekends. But when I drank, I drank to get drunk. And that's exactly what I did! I always insisted on driving no matter what. Thank God I never hurt anyone or got a DUI, yet. There were times I would come out of a blackout and be driving somewhere and not know how I got there. That was scary to say the least, but it never stopped me. I even drove drunk with my son in the car! As the years went on my drinking slowed, but I always drank to be someone else. I had to drink to have fun, to hide the shy quiet me, and let the wild person inside out.

As my son got older we began to have problems. He became rebellious and the school nurse would call me in to talk about who my son was becoming. I didn't know what to do with him. He would fight with me all the time. I didn't understand why he was acting like he was. So in his first week of high school, I went to a wedding and didn't let him know where it was. He went to a football game. He was drinking and tried cocaine for the first time. He got into a fight at the game and was arrested. The police didn't know where I was so they released him to our neighbor. He stayed at the neighbors and the next day I was on the couch sick with "the flu". Mike never told me what happened. The neighbor called to let me know. I couldn't understand what was wrong with that kid. I also couldn't face him, so when he came home I laid on the couch with my face to the back of it and yelled at him. What a mother!!! We had to go to a hearing at school and they said he couldn't go back to school till he went in for an assessment. Well, they decided he needed to be in a treatment center for 28 days. I was devastated and he was angry. <br><br>This is where God stepped in and took over my life. I had been looking for a way out of my drinking but didn't know how to stop. I had to go through family week with my son. My mother went with me because his father was too busy to do it. I admitted to Mike's counselor that I was drinking and doing drugs and I wanted to stop. I had to admit it to my mom and the whole family group. That was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling my mom. She said that it was in the past and that I wasn't doing it any more. I think she is still in denial today. Anyway that is how I came to AA. I say that God brought me in through the back door cause I don't think I would have walked in by myself!
After I got sober my son and I were going to family counseling. We had an agreement if he went back out then he would not live with me. Well, he did and he went to live with his dad for about a month. He couldn't handle his dad drinking so he moved in with my mom. He is still there today! It took me a while to get a sponsor and start working the steps. My sponsor took me to my first AA conference and that is where I met Don. God has given me so much since I have gotten sober.
We got on HHGH through a friend of Triple D's. I can't even remember her name but she was visiting one day and told Don about HHGH. He found you and started talking to all of you. I stayed away from it at first, afraid. Then he went and invited this strange woman from Jersey to spend the weekend with us! VBG We met some other strangers that weekend in AAkron and our lives have never been the same!!!!! We love our HHGH family and enjoy every June when all of you come and spend the "week" with us. It is the highlight of our year and our sobriety. Our home will always be open to each and every one of you.
I thank God for AA and HHGH, they are my life lines.
Sorry this is so long, I guess it's cause I never talk!

Karen T.'s story
Thought I would share this with you...

I'm a grateful recovering drug addict, alcoholic and anorexic, my name is Karen.
By the grace of God, I haven't found it necessary to ingest a mind altering substance since 1/15/84 and for that I am very grateful.

What it was like...what happened...and what it is like now.

What it was like....

I don't like to spend alot of energy on the problem because that is so second nature for me and is a pattern I keep working on to break. I know, however, that if I am to share my story, the problem must be shared.

I grew up the oldest, and the only girl with three brothers. My father was a drug addict, alcoholic and gambler.Ý One of his sisters died from alcoholism as did three of his brothers. I always felt "different" and not "a part of" growing up. I felt like I didn't belong in my family and was jealous of how other children were treated by their mom and dad. I learned how to cook and clean at the age of 4-5 and by the time I was 8-10 was running the house and taking care of
my brothers. I remember feeling the black ball of anger in my stomach at this point in my life. It was a constant companion from this point on. Many times, my parents would leave and go places and I took care of things while they were away. I felt lonely, scared and angry. I was not taken care of but took care of others. I learned early how to caretake others.

I was sexually abused by my father and uncle on my mothers side. I kept that a secret until I got sober and was then overwhelmed with the knowledge. It is amazing to me how many women, and yes, men, are sexually abused and not aware of it until they start working the steps or experience another trigger, usually in sobriety. I am grateful I was able to acknowledge it and share it. Abuse is so often a barrier to recovery if not acknowledged and shared.

My family life was one of secrets and lies and I learned very early to play both those games. My grandparents on my mother's side were my safe people and I loved them dearly. I tear up when I think of them...they were very special people.

The first time I remember taking a drug was when my mother gave me a Librium the night before a test I was afraid of taking in high school. She took Librium regularly and thought it would help me pass the test. Ha! It did a lot more than that...

The first time I really drank was in nursing school. I had very little freedom to do much experimenting in high school. I remember I had some lime drink but what I really remember was the feeling it gave me. I felt pretty, sociable and that black ball in my stomach went away...just like it did with the Librium. The only problem was I broke out in hives and my eyes started to close. I immediately became nauseated, had a horrible headache, and had diarrhea. Did that stop me? Absolutely not! The next time I went out drinking....two days later.... I took Benadryl and aspirin before going out. Doesn't everyone?? I was insane right then and there....

After nursing school I married a prominent funeral director in Naples who had been married three times before. My parents didn't not come to the wedding and didn't speak to me until we had our first child. My husband was abusive in every way imaginable. My anorexia and drug addiction became the priorities in my life for I could not control what was going on around me. I had three children at this point and could not even take care of myself. I divorced my husband only to lose custody of my three children 6 months after the divorce because of the choices I made. Drugs and alcohol were more important. Without those chemicals I could not live. God, in His infinite wisdom knew what He was doing what He took those children away from me. I was down to 88 pounds and was living from one dose of Demerol to the next.

What happened.....

I tried to clean up several times. Never went to AA/NA and it was always forced. My supply or money ran out. One time I cleaned up I applied for a job at a new treatment center in Naples. I got the job...(again, God knew what He was doing), and I became exposed to recovery. It took awhile but OH....how I wanted what those people were being given. I was so sick and tired...so over using all the energy to keep up a front....I hated my life.

An LPN in recovery, who worked part time, offered to take me to an NA meeting. I was so scared...but I went. I could not believe what I saw....people smiling from their hearts. People at ease. I was hungry for what they had.

I eventually picked up a white chip and began my journey of recovery. I tried to do everything different from what was suggested except I did go to at least 10 meetings a week. I chose a male sponsor...that ended in disaster. I stayed on the fourth step until I was forced to go into treatment by the Intervention Project for Nurses (then the Impaired Nurse Program)in Florida. I had joined to protect myself and ended up losing my license for 6 months and having to go to
treatment at 15 months sober. I was very indignant...LOL, but that treatment changed my life. It allowed me to get away from Naples and my family and start to develop an appropriate value system.

I was introduced to AA and a female sponsor. God knew exactly what He was doing...He was providing the opportunity and I was able to seize the day. I was able to share the loss of my children and the incest that had occurred in my life. My journey was taking a new direction and this time, I was NOT in charge.
The First Step was hard for me at first. I could not understand how I could be powerless over chemicals I dispensed or could buy at the local liquor store. I learned that I was powerless over the effects they had on me for I never could predict what would happen when I used and/or drank. It was always different.

I also learned just how unmanageable my life was. I was astounded that other people didn't live like me but I also felt unique. That is one of the paradoxes of the First Step...for me.

The Second Step came a little easier when I understood the insanity of my Benadryl use and could apply that knowledge to the rest of my life. For some reason my spirituality started to grow, so I could feel it. I talked to a God I wasn't really sure was there. Somehow, it felt right.

The Third Step was difficult and continues to be a daily act of faith for me. Sometimes it's "action first, the feeling will follow. Sometimes, it just flows and feels so good to give my will and my life over to God. Sometimes, it's "Just Do It."

The fourth Step got me in touch with my destructive patterns and defects and allowed me to share them in my fifth Step. I found out that control is the bottom line of my character defects. Oh boy..do I ever know that now! The 6th and seventh Steps I did right after my fifth Step and reflection...like the Big Book tells us to do.

I have to do work on those two Steps often for new things pop up all the time. I used to hate those Steps but now see them as relief Steps. Eight and Nine...Boy was I ready to go and take care of all my amends. I figured I could get them done in a month...at most. My sponsor looked at me and said...God will make opportunities when it is time...you don't do it on your timetable. God is in charge. She was so right...

I love the 10th Step...it gives me the ability to clean up my slate and allows me to keep current with a daily reflection of my day. What did I do for myself today...what did I do for someone else? What did I do right today and what could I have done differently? If I write it daily and I can keep track of patterns and nip destructive patterns in the bud before they bloom!

The eleventh Step is second nature now...what a miracle. This Step allows me to keep my awareness up and keep the flame of Spirituality going. It helps me to connect with others and to see the God in you.

The Twelfth Step in the "magic" in the program. I really don't like to use that word but without the 12th Step, I could not grow. I could not give what has been given to me so I can keep what has been given to me.

What it is like now...

More often than not, I am happy joyous and free. That, my friends is a miracle. I have been given more than I ever lost. I have a gratitude list that won't quit.

I have a husband who is my soul mate and has almost a year more sobriety than I do...darn it..LOL. He is my friend...my best friend. Today I can be honest with him and that is such a gift. He is a gift. My children are in my life and have given me wonderful grandchildren. My nursing license is, and has been intact. I have several certifications in substance abuse and am a registered counselor supervisor. We have a little puppy who has already given us tremendous joy and love. I have friends today and work with others who allow me to see the miracle work in their life. I can smile and laugh today...even at myself! I have a job that I love and am scared to death someone will find out how much fun I have at work and how much I learn there. Today, I love my life.

Now, I'm not saying there aren't problems. There are! Sobriety has given me tools to deal with problems differently. Sure, I slip emotionally at times but I have a support system that holds up that mirror and says, "LOOK!" Most times, I look.

My sobriety is my first priority...even before my husband, Tom. As long as I keep that priority and take action on it....with the grace of God, I will stay sober, a day at a time.

Thanks for letting me share.

love,
Karen